Forgive Yourself

“The image in the mirror has been and will always be by your side from birth to death. Forgiving oneself is the best long-term strategy.”  Kelechi Oji

In life, we make mistakes as children, and in childhood, those mistakes are easy to manage. The problem arises in adulthood. Growing up, when we made mistakes, we were reprimanded and disciplined by parents, teachers, and other adults in our lives, yet we moved on quickly. We moved on to commit other errors requiring the same sanction, and we still moved on. We grew up looking back at those whimsical days of error with a smile and pride in our maturity.

Now, as adults, we have thousands of choices and no one watching our every move. The responsibility to succeed at anything lies entirely in our hands and in our ability to see it through. When we fail, we are left with no one but ourselves. Who will reprimand us? Where is the penalty for error as there was in the good old days? Who will rule over us, tell us to be right, and correct our wrongs? No one emerges to take responsibility for these questions.

Just when we think we are alone, the man in the mirror appears as the ideal perfectionist. He criticizes our very existence, lacerates our errors, and degrades any success we may have achieved. This puritanical reflection condemns us in the most deconstructive manner. We are left alone with two parts of ourselves: the oppressed self and the oppressor self.

The question is, who will save us from this distasteful version of ourselves? Who will redeem us from our oppressor? This is a one-on-one battle, and whatever the outcome, you will be both the winner and the loser, the contradicting duality of oneself. The struggle never truly ends.

If you win, your life improves, and you see your errors as lessons. If the other side wins, you become resentful, hateful, and depressed. There is more to this ongoing battle. Who is the judge to declare the winner? If the judge does not end the battle, there is no winner or loser. If the judge concludes the war, he must declare a winner based on specific criteria. In short, this is not a duality but rather a tripartite: the good, the evil, and the judge.

How can we forgive friends, family, and colleagues yet find it difficult to forgive ourselves? The mistakes we consider unforgivable, if someone else committed them against us, how long would we hold a grudge? How long would it take us to forgive a loved one? Not long, I assume. Forgiveness is essential for peace and harmony. You must move past the current circumstance, leaving no option but to show mercy or at least ignore it.

Think about any seemingly unforgivable error, but change the actor from yourself to someone you love, your spouse or mother. How easy would it be to forgive them? If you can forgive those you genuinely love but not yourself, then perhaps you do not truly love yourself. If you do not love yourself, how can you say you love anyone else? You can only pour from a filled cup.

You are the best you have, or at least you should be. You must love yourself more than anyone else can or will. If you cannot fully adore yourself, then set a standard for what you define as love, and strive to meet that standard. This will help you recognize when you or an external person is not giving you the best version of love.

Forgive yourself. Choose your good self and fight the wrong side with the love only you can give. Empower yourself with positive affirmations and reject anything that condemns you destructively. Unforgiveness strengthens the terrible side. Expose yourself to the possibility of love, treat yourself as worthy of respect and care. Look at your reflection in the mirror and define the image you want to see. You see the image, and you are the creator of that image.

List the things you feel are unforgivable. Make an effort to change the issues that can be changed. For the problems that cannot be changed, write out the lessons you have learned from them. Think deeply before writing down any lessons, as they are essential for growth. Then move on. Speak to friends and family who genuinely love you, those you can share bad news with, and observe how they respond. You may gain one or two insights from their responses.

In the end, you are the judge. You determine when the battle is over, and only you can declare the winner. Do not end this fight until you stand above all deconstructive criticism.